With thanks to Bic Runga
This post is about my day yesterday. I mentally wrote this post half way though the day.
A day like today.
A day when I was up before my mandated time of 9am
A day when I know that recently I’ve made good progress
on my journey:
· My journey may have started way
back in 1998 – I’d finished Uni several months earlier, was working for IBM,
and my sister made a comment or asked a question that went something along the
lines of “what’s happened to you, you’re like a cappachino without the froth”
· My journey isn’t about mental
health per se. My journey is about taking
the time to identify (and allow myself to feel) what really resonates with me
and what really nourishes me…and then having the courage to act on it. My journey is about dealing with the mental
stuff that arises:
- based on my preconceived notions
of how I “should be”
- based on the false beliefs I hold
about myself – the beliefs that give rise to shame, a lot of shame
- navigating the armour that I use
to protect me, but that does not serve me
- learning how to be increasingly
vulnerable as a catalyst for more courage, increased compassion, and deeper
connection
· In my last post, I didn’t talk directly
of my own shame, but, the post was triggered by my cancelling, 1 month out, a
small gathering organised by a few friends who wanted to see the pics/hear the
story of my US trip.
- While I haven’t been at all
social since January, I feel that one reason I canceled was that I didn’t want
to have to have to “be with” my discomfort, “be with” my shame, “be with” that I
wasn’t functioning normally within society…and I didn’t want to face this with
the two males who’d be there that I didn’t know. In females, shame is encompassed by not “doing
it all perfectly, while looking perfect ”.
Male shame is encompassed by failure, by showing fear or being afraid, by
being soft & weak – mentally or physically.
- Shame is thoughts of “I’m not
_____ enough”…where the blank includes: good, smart, thin, tall, organized, young,
sexy, cool, well, …and where the context may be work, parenting, health, marriage
appearance, etc, etc. We feel shame when
we believe the lies that we’ve invented against ourselves – our false beliefs.
- Let’s look at my circumstances: I’m
not working, I’m not sure when I’ll be working, I don’t precisely know what I
want to do or will end up doing in the short medium term. All the while my savings are decreasing. I’m
not exercising much, I’ve lost a huge amount of fitness, I’ve put on
weight. I’m not social, not catching up
with peeps or speaking much on the phone.
With peeps that I kind of know, but not well, I don’t know what to talk
about. => there are plenty of false beliefs that are triggered by this,
plenty of shame felt from the false beliefs.
- The keys to ‘shame resilience’ are
mindfulness, self compassion, and perhaps counter intuitively, vulnerability in
our relationships with others.) Empathy
is an antidote to shame. An excellent
book is ‘Daring Greatly’, by Brene Brown – how the courage to be vulnerable
transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead. She also has a couple of great TED
talks. She practices what she preaches
and has credibility and integrity because of it.
A day when soon after being up, I worked hard to keep my
sun above the horizon
A day when my whole body ached and I had to fight gravity
A day when mid-morning I went back to bed to read, so
that I could feel the support of my mattress
A day when I finished reading my book at ~1pm, so was out
of bed, but didn’t feel like doing anything.
· I didn’t feel like reading a
novel
· I didn’t feel like watching a
movie or TV series (despite having ample awesome stuff on DVD)
· I wasn’t going to mindlessly
watch TV as an escape mechanism
· I didn’t feel like exercise
· I didn’t feel social (I’m not
social, haven’t been for months)
A day when I went out to my balcony to lie on my camp
chair, and could still feel myself fighting gravity
A day when I used a couple of my “what to do when I’m not
feeling well” techniques, while fighting gravity on my camp chair
A day when I dropped in to a meditation on my camp chair (not easy when by midday I’d already had two cans of
V to give myself something that resembles motivation & drive)
A day when I found something that spurred me do a small
maintenance task to my road bike
A day when, after deciding on a short’ish podcast to
listen to while riding around the velodrome (I’ve been doing this 3-4 times per
week recently) I decided to head out for short ride
A day when the sun came out as I headed out
A day when I cruised around the velodrome listening to a
podcast about the American Civil War (which was only ~160 years ago, a war that
for the North had a core tenant of disagreement with slavery and the treatment
of black people).
A day when I went on to listen to a podcast about the Klu
Klux Klan while still riding around the Velodrome.
A day when I learnt that the KKK was founded immediately
after the Civil War, as a means to give a sense of hope & belonging to the
returned soldiers who fought for the South in the Civil War.
A day when I noted that slavery was only abolished in the
US ~160 years ago, and when the Civil
Rights movement only took place ~60 years ago.
*A day that I was reminded that individually, humans are
almost universally wonderful, but that collectively we can too easily become
abominable
**A day when I wondered, after noting that the dates
mentioned above re the Civil War being in the ~1860’s, and the Civil Rights
movement having success in the 1960’s…will there be another social revolution
in or around the 2060’s?
A day when after riding around for the velodrome for over
an hour listening to the two podcasts, sometimes having to call on my “wellness
techniques” to keep me going, I decided to put on some music and keep
circulating.
A day when I decided to keep going song by song, partly
because I wanted to keep going, partly because I felt like I could keep going,
partly because I didn’t want to be doing anything else (per above), partly because
I didn’t want to go back to “fighting gravity”
A day when I took energy from the primitive beat of the
drums in the music, a drum beat that resonated with my inner caveman.
A day when I rode around the velodrome for a couple of
hours (and no, don’t know how many laps, and no, I didn’t end up dizzy.
*smiles*)
Expanding on the
stars above (out of order).
**A day when I wondered, after noting that the dates
mentioned above re the Civil War being in the ~1860’s, and the Civil Rights
movement having success in the 1960’s…will there be another social revolution
in or around the 2060’s?
· I may write about this in the
future. It may feature short-term ism as
it relates to individuals, companies, the media, politics. It may ask: after tens of millions of years
of very little change and very slow evolution, then the relatively incredible
ever-increasing change since the agricultural revolution (and perhaps a few
centuries earlier??)…do we humans have the toolkit we need to thrive in the
ever changing world?
*A day that I was reminded that individually, humans are
almost universally wonderful, but that collectively we can too easily become
abominable
· This section loops back on
itself, so if you choose to read it, I ask that you read to the end. I raise some points about Australian society
& culture that may make you uncomfortable, and may directly challenge you,
BUT it directly relates to my journey
· Our “me first, entitlement, I
know better, I’m better than you” attitudes lead to political regimes and/or
conflicts such as those in
- North Korea
- Zimbabwe… and numerous other
African countries…here are just 5 http://www.forbes.com/sites/mfonobongnsehe/2012/02/09/the-five-worst-leaders-in-africa/
- Russia. Yes Russia, still… one of
the imprisoned Pussy Riot members was in a forced labour camp working 7 days a
week and only allowed to shower once a week…, and where the sick are left to
die on the workroom floor… http://www.npr.org/2014/01/08/260746432/the-pussy-riot-arrests-and-the-crackdown-that-followed
- the troubles between Israel &
Palestine, and England & Northern Island
· Our ‘hardwired’ need for love
& belonging can lead us astray
- e.g. the Nazi Party…that had
massive public support after Germany suffered terrible sanctions following the
end of WW1
- e.g. the afore mentioned KKK
· Australian’s, don’t think I’m
letting us off. In Australia there is a
massive public outcry regarding our successive Govt’s attitude to, and then
treatment of Asylum Seekers. Our public
outcry can only mean that we deeply feel for people who are. However, I see no public outcry for our
Govt’s to look after, let alone to address the root causes of issues that:
- cause social dislocation
- cause homelessness
- cause addition
- cause domestic violence (yes I
know about the Royal commision),
Do we
not really care about those who are socially dislocated, those who fall to the
fringes of society? Do we not really
care about domestic violence? Do we not
really care about the effects of addiction?
Regarding
the two troubled males who recently killed a son and and ex partner here in Vic, these
two events are terrible and tragic. Yet,
I’ve heard that the man that killed his son was mostly homeless, and had mental
health issues. In not strongly voicing
our opinions that we want the causes of these issues addressed, as society we
are implicitly saying to our Govt’s that we don’t care (or don’t care
enough).
Now,
here’s something for you to ponder. If
our parents swore in front of us, we’d naturally think that swearing is
acceptable. Likewise, if we swear in
front of our impressionable kids who are looking to us to guide them, they’ll
think its acceptable. Taking this
concept of ‘leading by example’ one step further. If our Govt’s see that we don’t really care
(or care enough) for our own, for those who are suffer … for those who are
homeless … for those who are on the on the fringes of society or those who have
fallen “off the grid”, then Govt’s wont care (or really care either) – after
all, Govt’s are only a microcosm of our community and society.
Taking
this one step further again. Given that we’ve implicitly (via our silence) told
our Govt’s that we don’t really care about our own…that we don’t even care
about our own citizens that are marginalised and distressed, when groups of
society complain about our Govt’s treatments of Asylum seekers (the
marginalised and distressed from other countries) – I imagine that Govt’s say
to themselves – whether consciously or subconsciously “what a bunch of hypocrites,
it doesn’t really matter to them”. It’s
what I think. I’m disgusted that we
treat our distressed and our marginalised the way we do. Given my journey, I can easily, easily
imagine how I could end up marginalized and invisible; I can imagine that shame
and pride could take me off the grid.
Fortunately my circumstances meant that I won’t fall off the grid (to
the extent that anyone can make a claim like this). I have strong support from family &
friends (to the extent that I let you in), resilience, hope, strength, a strong
work ethic, and significant savings.
With thanks to Bic Runga
