Bravery . Shame . Pride

Hi, I thought that this post was going to be a couple of paragraphs...maybe next time *smiles*


I was easing myself into heading out for a ride yesterday, watching a TV show about the AFL (mostly to hear some reasons about why my team has played so poorly for the first 4 games of the season), when, relating to a recently retired leading AFL player who's had a LOT of debilitating soft tissue injuries recently,  I heard the host of the show say something like

"Mitch was was brave and courageous to publicly state the real reason for his retirement (clinical depression)"

I've heard other well respected, high profile media types say very similar things about Mitch being "brave and courageous": e.g...
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2014/04/08/mitch-clark-retires-afl-due-depression

Here's a like to an article on the Beyond Blue website that also mentions bravery:  

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/about-us/news/news/2014/04/09/-i-beyondblue-i-ceo-praises-afl-star-mitch-clark-for-his-brave-decision-to-seek-treatment-for-depression

I've had several people express similar thoughts to me about bravery in relation to my efforts and me writing this blog.


What is bravery?  It's been defined as: “ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage”.

In the context of clinical depression, I see bravery in two possible forms:

1. making the choice to overcome ones internal demons, instead of giving in to them
2. opening ones-self to pubic judgement by "admitting" to a poorly understood illness that's pretty much a taboo subject in our society

I've previously said or thought that I'm not demonstrating the first type of bravery, I'm just following my survival instincts and following the only course that's open to me.

I don't believe that the second type of bravery applies either, my lone voice says.... to a person with clinical depression, the internal fog, and the internal pain, and the "smaller existence" that results from clinical depression far overcome the abstract concept of public judgement. A "well" person on the outside may consider it brave, but to the person with clinical depression he or she is simply talking about what he/she is going through.


Now, after hearing the aforementioned comment on TV yesterday, I had another viewpoint again. Being public about ones situation may have nothing to do with being brave or courageous.

Being public about ones situation is about minimising shame and retaining ones pride.


The traditional role of males in society has been the hunter, the gatherer of food, the provider of shelter.  This stereotype has somewhat changed in many countries around the world, though only in the past 50 or so years.   "Society" has changed such that females no longer typically need look to males for such support and protection.  However, society still looks at males in much the same way as it always has, and has similar expectations of them.


Returning to the the footballer I referred to above, imagine how it is for Mitch to retire at the young age of 26:
... in a world made up of the most alpha of alpha-males,
... in a world where players almost always have an injury(s) that they carry through the season - FYI one of the players from my team had 8 (eight) surguries during the recent off-season period
... in a world where "key position" players (such as him) are rare, and take years to develop
... where he was probably earning $500-800k+ per year, and would normally play for another 3-6 years
... in a world where it's (almost?) unheard of for players to retire early
... in a world where players can become media stars
... in a world where players are prized romantic catches

If I was Mitch, whether subconsciously or consciously, I'd want the world (that I cared about) to know that I was walking away for a good reason, a really bloody good reason.  I'd want to let them know why I couldn't meet my expectations and their expectations.


So, from the "'outside looking in", being public may be seen as brave & courageous (about choosing to overcome ones demons, or, to opening to the public's judgement).  However, from the "inside looking out", being public is about explaining why one can't meet societies' expectations & ones own expectations, it can be about a desire to avoid shame by explaining why one can't meet expectations, it can be about a desire to retain ones pride by explaining why one can't meet expectations.

The Man in the Castle

I think of the part of my brain that isn’t well (or doesn’t serve me), as being inside a Castle, and that I’m in the Castle with it.  

The part of the brain that’s inside the Castle wants care, but it mostly rejects help from the “healthy” part of my brain, and people who want to get inside the Castle. 

How did this happen?  At an early age my brain decided that it needed to put itself in a Castle so it could protect itself... a Castle that had significant defences – it was built on high land, had a deep moat, tall towers with high parapets, thick ramparts connecting the towers, and a bunch of hard men to shoot arrows of fire and pour quicklime on those who tried to get in.

The Castle's defenses do several things.  

1.    They prevent others from getting “too” close to me.

2.    The prevent me form getting too close to me…They prevent the healthy / normal part of my brain from: 

o  Truly getting in touch with myself & connecting with myself

o  Being able to “be” (vs do) how I want to be

o  Being able to do what I want to do

o  Being able to do the things that I enjoy, and things that I value.

o  Being able to easily change

o  Doing the things that the well part of my conscious and sub conscious brain know will help me to get better.

In previous posts I’ve mentioned that I can’t do these things because they are conceptually too difficult to do, or they just don’t occur to me - my brain simply isn’t working normally

You may well be thinking….

… “This is crap mate, just do want you want to do and let what you want to happen, happen”…

If only it was that easy.  I’d being doing a contact job earning plenty of $$$ to replenish my savings, I’d be super fit, and I’d be planning my trip back to the US.  Instead, referring to my previous blog post http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/04/fake-it-til-you-make.html, I’m now happy that I’ve been out of bed before 9am, for the past 7 days, and very happy that for the past 4 days I’ve headed out for a ride immediately after getting up.  There’s a bit of a contrast isn’t there??

The Castle is part of my sub-conscious brain.  It’s widely recognized that humans’ sub-conscious brain controls ~90% of what we do/think/feel and how we act.   90%...and some say as much as 95%.   We mostly want the features of this auto-pilot function – it means that we don’t have to think about how to breathe or how to eat.  However, the sub-conscious brain doesn’t always serve us.  It may have served me when I was young, but it sure as hell isn’t serving me at the moment. 

The brain in the Castle likes the status quo, it doesn’t want change.  Change is frightening.  Many years ago I felt that it was my place in life “to know, but not to have”.  I now understand why.  The part of my mind that control’s ~90% of what I do etc, is living in fear of change.   It wants to stay safe behind almost impenetrable defences.  It knows the lure of daily life in the local village, but…it would much rather spend time thinking in the safety of the Castle instead of having to feel in the scary world outside the Castle.

So, my conscious brain and the healthy part of my sub-conscious brain is at war with the unhealthy part, the part that isn’t serving me, the part that’s in the Castle that has defences that are very hard to breach.  By noticing how I feel, what I’m able to do, what occurs to me, and what I remember to do, I’m able to observe how the war is progressing.   I’ve noticed that the forces of good have won some battles, but that the forces of evil are waging guerilla warfare.  The forces of evil will start fighting on a new front, and because my brain isn’t working normally,  it’s not always easy to notice the new front, or it takes me a while.

PLEASE READ THE NEXT SECTION CAREFULLY LEST YOU GET THE WRONG IDEAD

Now, let me turn to some of the events that have led me to what I’ve written above.  I’ve found it too hard to respond to many of the people that have contacted or have stayed in touch.  This feels ridiculous to me – but it’s what I feel and experience.

This gives rise to some quite remarkable and wonderful hypocracy on my part.  I wonder why some peeps haven’t been in touch, but, if they had been in touch, I’d prefer that they didn’t since I don’t want to / can’t respond.

So, if I haven’t responded to you,

-      the healthy part of my brain apologies and wants you to keep up contact

-      the unwell part of my brain, the brain in the Castle, doesn’t want to apologise..and doesn’t want you to stay in touch…it makes me uncomfortable.

Unfortunately the brain in the Castle is winning at the moment – so… I’m the Man in the Castle. 

The brain in the Castle is uneasy with me even writing these past few paragraphs. 

Fake it ‘til you make.

Fake it ‘til you make.

This is what my GP said to my on Tuesday.  Fake it ‘til you make it.  I felt uncomfortable.  What did he mean?? – part of my new way is being honest with myself and not “faking” that I’m ok.

Ah, but what was the context,? I hear you asking.  Good question! 

We were discussing my plan (see the end of this post http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/billoggie.html). 

My plan is made up of simple goals, that are measurable, achievable, etc.    My historic problem is that doing many of the activities are conceptually “too hard to do”, or the fog in my brain obscures them/I forget about them, or forget to check the list that they’re on…

Three weeks ago I committed to my counsellor that I’d go to bed before midnight and that I’d get up at a reasonable hour (my natural tendencies for ages have been to stay up til 2-3am then get up mid-to-late morning.).  Two weeks ago this became the first item of “my Plan of simple things” that I agreed with my GP.  I did pretty well.

A week ago my GP advised me to agree on a 2^nd goal with my counselor.  I saw my counselor the day after, and we agreed that this 2^nd goal was … to go for a walk or an easy bike ride just after I get up (given my love of the outdoors and the benefits of sunlight & exercise).  How did I fare? In the week between being given my goal and seeing my GP again, I didn’t manage to get up at a reasonable hour once.  Not once.  I did manage to get out on the bike twice – and that was good – but it was around midday.

Now, coming back to my GP’s comment of “fake it ‘til you make it”.  He re-iterated that doing these basic things of getting up before 9am and getting sunlight & exercise are fundamental to my recovery.  Fundamental.  However, I may have to fight to do them for weeks before I notice any improvement in energy levels or motivation and so on…and I “make it” to a better place.

What happened to me that I slumped last week?  It hit me that my plan to get better was made up of simple goals, really simple goals.  It hit me that it wasn’t easy for me to even achieve my first goal.  It really hit me that I couldn’t achieve my 2^nd goal at all…

…It was sobering & frightening that "where I'm at" is having to attempt to consistently achieve such simple & basic building blocks….and that my recovery journey begins with attempting to consistently achieving these simple & basic building blocks.  It's sobering & frightening.  I think that this second point has being playing on my subconscious – I haven't been out of bed before 11 am since Wed last week (although I have woken earlier and then gone back to sleep).

1.      I now understand that there is no "silver bullet" treatment.

2.      I now understand that I have "dysthymia” – low level depression, and bouts of more intense depression.

3.      I now understand that I have a journey ahead of me.  

Luckily I have a yellow brick road to follow.