So
what’s news?
Much
has changed. Here are the highlights:
-
I’ve continued to establish a powerful routine, and I’ve done a bunch of stuff
that wouldn’t have occurred to me or would have been too hard
- My
‘wellness’ indicators have generally been improving
…but
saying this I’ve had some monumental slumps
- My
treatment focus has evolved
- I’m
now off antidepressants
- I’m
exploring ACT
- I’m now rolling with a shaved head and face.
Around
a month ago I started to come off my Anti Depressant pills, with a view to
trying another type, but over this past weekend I decided that I’d rather be
‘clean’.
-Aside
from the withdrawal symptoms of being completely off (since Friday), and the
neck/back/joint issues I started to get once my dose started dropping, my state
continued to improve as I was eased myself of them for the past month – a good
sign methinks.
- I
don’t want the side effects or withdrawal effects if I come off/change
again.
…and
studies haven’t proved the efficacy of anti-d's
- A
big reason is that I want to know where I’m at – kinda like how ACT works from
a baseline
-Another
big reason is that if I started a new pill…I don’t want to be thinking “is this
dose working, do I need a different dose, how long should I give it, how much
is too much, when do I try another”…all of which could take months… after the
initial side effects go away... Eff that.
-
Unfortunately I’m suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Luckily I don’t have any
really bad ones (like these poor bastards - http://depression.about.com/b/2003/10/12/withdrawal-from-citalopram.htm),
but, huge mood swings, grumpiness, flu like symptoms, headaches and nasty
spaceyness are enough for me. Most people only have them for a week or
two. Fingers crossed. My grumpiness and lack of tolerance did have me
shave my much loved beard off though… all 8 months and 10cm of it…A LOT of
beard. I’m now rolling with a shaved head and face.
I
recently mentioned that a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) based course that
I did put me in some bad places. My GP has consistently mentioned the ACT
(Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) method. I like ACT’s practical
approach.
Having
said this, I don’t know that my lack of an overt focus on CBT is the ‘right
path’. As a result of CBT I’m hugely self aware and connected because of
the work that I’ve done with my counsellor and in related courses – and I
should say that mindfulness underpins this.
I’m
proceeding with a non-overt CBT approach though. I’m sick of
second-guessing myself and overanalysing things (recently in a period of a
couple of weeks I had numerous people tell me that I spend too much time ‘in my
head’).
So
what is ACT? ACT (pronounced act, NOT eh see tee) is about:
-
understanding and then accepting ones state
-
noticing thoughts & emotions that pop up in day-to-day life, and then
reflecting that thoughts & emotions are inevitable and transient and so
letting them be (verses focussing on them, analysing & processing them)
- in
parallel with above, identifying goals…
…then identifying the steps towards those goals
…then committing to do the steps (even if I don’t want to), reviewing the
results, revising goals, and so on.
-
mindfulness is a pre-requisite
ACT
offers me a path/method that gives me something to anchor myself to in the
shifting sands of my thoughts and emotions. It has predictability &
certainty, a solidity
I
don’t know that it will work, but, it gives me a sense of control and ownership
of my future.
This
ownership and control is very important to me…
VERSES
- The
lack of certainty regarding the effectiveness of Anti Depressant drugs
-
That there is no fix or cure or solution for mental health issues, there are no
guarantees.
I’m
mindful of references in books & literature to the likes of…
…the
discovery that depression, once treated, often returns – and becomes more and
more likely to recur the more often it is experienced (Williams, Segal and Katat-Zinn)
Thus,
I’ve been thinking of something that my GP and has mentioned…building and
living a life with & despite the pain. I’d like to think that I’ll
bounce back as an ‘ideal Richard’, able to fulfil every one of my dreams and
aspirations…but it would be folly for me to assume that it can and will
happen…though I’m not giving myself an excuse to languish.
My
counselor reflected to me that a huge ‘win’ for me would be
self-acceptance. Part of this is that ‘where I’m at’ is where I’m
at…which in the cold hard light of day is not a good place. Another is
that I am who I am, which is well reflected in my most recent post - http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/08/contentment-resonance-nourishment.html.
Another has something to do with it being ok if I never ‘get as well as I want’
but I can’t find the right words for it.
My
mind periodically takes me back to a couple of quotes from Shakespeare’s
Macbeth – where Macbeth has ‘vaulting ambition’ to become King of Scotland, so
he kills his competion
After
his wife’s death – Macbeth hits rock-bottom
She should have died hereafter.
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
When
his former allies/peers come to capture/kill him – his spirit rallies
There
is nor flying hence nor tarrying here.
I
'gin to be aweary of the sun,
And
wish th' estate o' th' world were now undone.
Ring
the alarum-bell!—Blow, wind! Come, wrack!
At
least we’ll die with harness on our back.
And
with that I’ll leave you for the time being, with respect, love and
compassion. The world sure needs it. Share it and let’s start a
revolution.
