BillOggie

Based on my first post this year, you probably want some cake.  http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/mud-cake.html

Alas I have no cake for you *sad face*.

I do, however, have an update for you.  In my most recent post, http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/your-midnight-news-service-current.html, I was coming off my previous meds following an appointment with my Psychiatrist.  I felt much better for it, physically and mentally.  Based on this, and a few other things…he will no longer be receiving any cake.  Also, the for various reasons, GP that referred me to him will no longer be receiving any cake.

I feel let down by the Western medical system.  How can it be that for very serious condition in Depression - that has significant impacts on the individual (and on society & the economy) …and possibly disastrous impacts – that it’s acceptable for the relevant medical practitioners to only send each other a letter when something material happens, or when protocol dictates.  Why are they not working as a team?   Why are they not being proactive?  How can the “system” be designed this way?  How can the system allow this?

My new GP is aware of the expectations I have of him, and my first session was great.  My counsellor found him for me, and I’m confident that they’ll work together for my benefit.  I’m not sure what type of cakes he likes, or my counsellor likes.

How am I?

I’m mostly at the level I was in this afore mentioned post a few weeks ago: http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/your-midnight-news-service-current.html.

Here’s the menu of symptoms (note that all of these are available as main courses).  The extent to which I have these changes over time:

• Loss of perspective / my world becomes smaller / it doesn’t occur to me to do things that would help me
• My memory is poor, and I struggle to make connections
• My frustration about my situation is muted
• I lack of motivation
• I lack enjoyment in my usual pastimes & things that “ground me”… or … I struggle to do them / they seem harder to do than they are
• I have thoughts of life being too hard / too much pain / why bother living for “this”
• I feel detached from “society”
• I feel physically / mentally awful
• Tendency to stay up late – if I’m feeling particularly bad, I tend to feel better as the day goes by
• I have limited desire to socialise.  
• I withdraw.  I'm unresponsive.

What’s newsworthy? 

-- I haven’t ridden since my last post, I haven’t felt like it, or I haven’t been up early enough to do a group ride.  On the plus side, the concept of going for a ride is no longer a concept that’s “too difficult”. 

-- I tinkered with a bike a few weekends ago, haven’t done that since early-mid Jan….I decided to put gears on my single-speed MTB (On-One Inbred)  It’s now a 1x9 for those interested in such things.  It’s the first bike that I built from the fame up – choosing all of the components and building it myself.  I’ve had it since x-mas 2006 - I love that bike.  You’d probably like a photo of it…but I can’t give you one…so you can have an IOU for some cake instead…how about some almond cake??

-- Weekends have tended to suck.  This past weekend sucked.  Today somewhat sucks too.  I'd like my f**king subconscious to tell me why.  I’d like a new brain, and a new back, and Cadel’s fitness & hardness.  Please.  I’ll trade for cake *smiles*.

-- I’ve gotten further into the remote control car hobby – I like the technical side.  It’s also an outlet for my irreverent humour – watch this space.

-- I’m putting together a “plan”.  Early this year I hoped that the increase doses of medication the Psychiatrist prescribed would lift me to a level where I had sufficient mental clarity and motivation to get myself moving.  That didn’t happen, so I’ve taken ownership in my still foggy and de-motivated state. 

• I realise that there is no “silver bullet”, and so to get on top of this episode of depression, then stay on top of it in the future, I’m choosing to do a broad range of things, and to “be” with this plan in a kind, accepting, non-judgmental but disciplined way
• My plan covers things such as: focus, attitude (as immediately above), reading, medical treatment, counselling, exercise, diet, meditation, volunteering and giving, writing, being purposeful, and receiving support.  Alas, cake is not part of my plan.
• I’m not going to set myself up for failure, so the plan will be rolled out over time.

  

That’s it for now.

Your Midnight News Service & Current Affairs Program

The News:

Following on from my most recent two blog posts...

.... most recent:  http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/mud-cake.html

.... 2nd most recent:  http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/general-update.html

I'm coming off my existing meds with a view to changing to a different class of anti-depressant.  I'm fining it easy to come off the meds, I'm down to 30mg/day from a high of 80mg/day.  

Though I'm feeling different levels of "spaceyness" at times (due to withdrawal) particularly at night, I've noticed numerous improvements since in my state since Thurs/Fri of last week 

-- I've noticed a significant improvement in how I'm feeling physically.  It's as if the higher dosages were acting like poison.  

-- My sleeping patterns are more normal – I'm now asleep round midnight (vs 2-3 am).  I'm still sleeping a lot though.

-- I'm "feeling" now too - I felt deep anger on Sunday, and, I've felt natural elation since then then.

-- I'm feeling mentally lighter, I have a sense of clarity

-- I had the thought to head out on the MTB around the local area on Tuesday night – and I did it…that's the first time in weeks I've ridden by myself, and first time in ....ages since I've ridden on a whim.  It was an interesting ride given my "spacey" feeling (I was very careful though)

-- I've also had the natural inclination to do start reading again, and to meditate again.

-- I’m being kind to myself

While I have a long way to go yet, the things above have been nice to observe and to sit in.  It's been enjoyable to relax at home and “soak” in my different state.

The Current Affairs:

Bravery.  Following on from my recent blog post, last week a friend gave me some words of support to “keep being yourself and be brave.”  About 7 years ago a wonderful woman told me to “keep being brave”.  Forgive me if I ramble a little here, but I’m trying to rationalize “me” and “brave”. 

Bravery has been defined as “ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage”.

I didn’t think of myself as brave when it previously mentioned  ~7 years ago.  I don’t feel brave now, but I now understand the context given my state and my journey

A year or so ago I was talking through an issue with a friend.  She observed the following about me … the things I do to stop myself from feeling alone and disconnected and sad and heavy etc (e.g. pretend, be strong) result in me feeling alone and disconnected and sad and heavy etc. 

So, I would have to have been very subconsciously “brave” to continue living life like that.  It  would have resulted in me being in more and more mentally bad places in an increasingly hopeless manner.  That’s a lot different from being “brave” now. 

Now I’m following the only course that is open to me.  With the increased understanding that I have of myself, I’m consciously attempting to live my life in a way that is aligns with my values, purposes, preferences and true desires (though my understanding of them continues to evolve).

Also after my most recent blog post, another friend commented about me being a “non-conformist, a rebel”.  Looking from the outside in it may appear that way, but in a similar manner to what I explained above with the “bravery” thing … looking from inside my world, I’m conforming to my natural state.  Viewed that way it’s liberating, and it’s exciting. 

One of the things I took from Lance Armstrong’s first book was that people with cancer consider themselves “the lucky ones”.  I know what that means.