The News:
Following on from my most recent two blog posts...
.... most recent: http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/mud-cake.html
.... 2nd most recent: http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/general-update.html
I'm coming off my existing
meds with a view to changing to a different class of anti-depressant. I'm
fining it easy to come off the meds, I'm down to 30mg/day from a high of 80mg/day.
Though I'm feeling different
levels of "spaceyness" at times (due to withdrawal) particularly at night,
I've noticed numerous improvements since in my state since Thurs/Fri of last week
-- I've noticed a significant
improvement in how I'm feeling physically. It's as if the higher
dosages were acting like poison.
-- My sleeping patterns are
more normal – I'm now asleep round midnight (vs 2-3 am). I'm still
sleeping a lot though.
-- I'm "feeling"
now too - I felt deep anger on Sunday, and, I've felt natural elation since
then then.
-- I'm feeling mentally
lighter, I have a sense of clarity
-- I had the thought to head
out on the MTB around the local area on Tuesday night – and I did it…that's the
first time in weeks I've ridden by myself, and first time in ....ages since I've ridden on a whim. It was an interesting ride given my "spacey" feeling (I was very careful though)
-- I've also had the natural
inclination to do start reading again, and to meditate again.
-- I’m being kind to myself
While I have a long way to go yet, the things above have been nice to observe and to sit in.
It's been enjoyable to relax at home and “soak” in my different state.
The Current Affairs:
Bravery. Following on from my recent blog post, last week a friend gave me some words of
support to “keep being yourself and be
brave.” About 7 years ago a wonderful
woman told me to “keep being brave”. Forgive me if I ramble a little here, but I’m
trying to rationalize “me” and “brave”.
Bravery
has been defined as “ready to face and
endure danger or pain; showing courage”.
I
didn’t think of myself as brave when it previously mentioned ~7 years ago. I don’t feel brave now, but I now understand
the context given my state and my journey
A
year or so ago I was talking through an issue with a friend. She observed the following about me … the
things I do to stop myself from feeling alone and disconnected and sad and
heavy etc (e.g. pretend, be strong) result in me feeling alone and disconnected
and sad and heavy etc.
So,
I would have to have been very subconsciously “brave” to continue living life like that. It would have
resulted in me being in more and more mentally bad places in an increasingly hopeless manner. That’s a lot different from being “brave”
now.
Now
I’m following the only course that is open to me. With the increased understanding that I have
of myself, I’m consciously attempting to live my life in a way that is aligns
with my values, purposes, preferences and true desires (though my understanding
of them continues to evolve).
Also after my most recent blog post, another
friend commented about me being a “non-conformist,
a rebel”. Looking from the outside
in it may appear that way, but in a similar manner to what I explained above
with the “bravery” thing … looking from inside my world, I’m conforming to my natural
state. Viewed that way it’s liberating,
and it’s exciting.
One of the things I took from
Lance Armstrong’s first book was that people with cancer consider themselves “the
lucky ones”. I know what that means.
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