Macbeth

So what’s news?

Much has changed.  Here are the highlights:

- I’ve continued to establish a powerful routine, and I’ve done a bunch of stuff that wouldn’t have occurred to me or would have been too hard

- My ‘wellness’ indicators have generally been improving

…but saying this I’ve had some monumental slumps

- My treatment focus has evolved

- I’m now off antidepressants

- I’m exploring ACT

- I’m now rolling with a shaved head and face.

Around a month ago I started to come off my Anti Depressant pills, with a view to trying another type, but over this past weekend I decided that I’d rather be ‘clean’. 

-Aside from the withdrawal symptoms of being completely off (since Friday), and the neck/back/joint issues I started to get once my dose started dropping, my state continued to improve as I was eased myself of them for the past month – a good sign methinks. 

- I don’t want the side effects or withdrawal effects if I come off/change again. 

…and studies haven’t proved the efficacy of anti-d's

- A big reason is that I want to know where I’m at – kinda like how ACT works from a baseline 

-Another big reason is that if I started a new pill…I don’t want to be thinking “is this dose working, do I need a different dose, how long should I give it, how much is too much, when do I try another”…all of which could take months… after the initial side effects go away...  Eff that.

- Unfortunately I’m suffering from withdrawal symptoms.  Luckily I don’t have any really bad ones (like these poor bastards - http://depression.about.com/b/2003/10/12/withdrawal-from-citalopram.htm), but, huge mood swings, grumpiness, flu like symptoms, headaches and nasty spaceyness are enough for me.  Most people only have them for a week or two. Fingers crossed.  My grumpiness and lack of tolerance did have me shave my much loved beard off though… all 8 months and 10cm of it…A LOT of beard.  I’m now rolling with a shaved head and face.

I recently mentioned that a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) based course that I did put me in some bad places.  My GP has consistently mentioned the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) method.   I like ACT’s practical approach. 

Having said this, I don’t know that my lack of an overt focus on CBT is the ‘right path’.  As a result of CBT I’m hugely self aware and connected because of the work that I’ve done with my counsellor and in related courses – and I should say that mindfulness underpins this. 

I’m proceeding with a non-overt CBT approach though.  I’m sick of second-guessing myself and overanalysing things (recently in a period of a couple of weeks I had numerous people tell me that I spend too much time ‘in my head’).

So what is ACT? ACT (pronounced act, NOT eh see tee)  is about:

- understanding and then accepting ones state

- noticing thoughts & emotions that pop up in day-to-day life, and then reflecting that thoughts & emotions are inevitable and transient and so letting them be (verses focussing on them, analysing & processing them)

- in parallel with above, identifying goals…

   …then identifying the steps towards those goals

   …then committing to do the steps (even if I don’t want to), reviewing the results, revising goals, and so on.

- mindfulness is a pre-requisite

ACT offers me a path/method that gives me something to anchor myself to in the shifting sands of my thoughts and emotions.  It has predictability & certainty, a solidity

I don’t know that it will work, but, it gives me a sense of control and ownership of my future.

This ownership and control is very important to me…

VERSES

- The lack of certainty regarding the effectiveness of Anti Depressant drugs

- That there is no fix or cure or solution for mental health issues, there are no guarantees. 

I’m mindful of references in books & literature to the likes of…

…the discovery that depression, once treated, often returns – and becomes more and more likely to recur the more often it is experienced (Williams, Segal and Katat-Zinn)

Thus, I’ve been thinking of something that my GP and has mentioned…building and living a life with & despite the pain.  I’d like to think that I’ll bounce back as an ‘ideal Richard’, able to fulfil every one of my dreams and aspirations…but it would be folly for me to assume that it can and will happen…though I’m not giving myself an excuse to languish. 

My counselor reflected to me that a huge ‘win’ for me would be self-acceptance.  Part of this is that ‘where I’m at’ is where I’m at…which in the cold hard light of day is not a good place.  Another is that I am who I am, which is well reflected in my most recent post - http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/08/contentment-resonance-nourishment.html.  Another has something to do with it being ok if I never ‘get as well as I want’ but I can’t find the right words for it.

My mind periodically takes me back to a couple of quotes from Shakespeare’s Macbeth – where Macbeth has ‘vaulting ambition’ to become King of Scotland, so he kills his competion

After his wife’s death – Macbeth hits rock-bottom

She should have died hereafter.

There would have been a time for such a word.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

When his former allies/peers come to capture/kill him – his spirit rallies

There is nor flying hence nor tarrying here.

I 'gin to be aweary of the sun,

And wish th' estate o' th' world were now undone.

Ring the alarum-bell!—Blow, wind! Come, wrack!

At least we’ll die with harness on our back.

And with that I’ll leave you for the time being, with respect, love and compassion.  The world sure needs it.  Share it and let’s start a revolution.

Contentment, Resonance & Nourishment

For a while now I've been pondering what 'nourishes' my soul, and what gives rise to long term contentment (vs short term happiness).  Tied in with this are the experiences that resonate with me in the moment or in hindsight.

A few weeks ago I expanded on my list of resonant and nourishing experiences, ending up with a couple of pages of moments and events.  When I distilled these down into categories, the following emerged.

The categories are telling.  What is also telling are the categories & types of things that aren't present.

Here are the categories:

1.   Being outdoors, being with nature: experiencing fresh air, fragrances & visual splendour & being near or in water & sounds of life

2.   Connection: connections with people, shared experiences, shared moments. Humanity

3.   Listening to music

4.   Doing 'things' with my hands e.g. maintenance on a push bike or car (way back when)

5.   Exploring...mental and physical

6.   Challenges (some)

7.   Things involving adrenalin & risk...

8.   Creativity and silliness.  Creative writing (where are Finnegan and Kev??)

9.  Stillness and inner calm

10. Helping others: teaching and sharing

 Let me know if you think that I've missed something.  Ta.

Here are some pics on hand that embody resonance & nourishment

 

Update (updated on 18 July)

Hello there,

I'm thought that I'd update you on my progress over the past couple of weeks (since my last blog post).
http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-empire-strikes-back.html

Some emerging themes in that post were:
-- A desire to return to a positive routine
-- My beard growing and requiring more and more attention
-- A slightly disturbing relationship with my car

Well, nothing has changed amongst this lot.

I've re-established a positive routine.
-- I've been MTB'ing 3 x since my last post.
-- I'm going to bed at a reasonable hour, and I'm getting up before 9am
-- I'm setting small goals, and achieving them
-- I've set some slightly larger goals, and I'm contemplating larger goals again

My beard is still growing.  I spend far more time washing than I'd like too..maybe I need some special shampoo??

/////////////
Added on Friday 18 July
MORE about my positive routine and related matters!
Yes, more. There's been more good things that I forgot to mention.

• Mid way through last week I found myself feeling angry. I haven't been angry for a long time.  Anger is MUCH better than numb
• Around the same time I noticed that I was sick feeling like I do and being how I am.  This is also a big deal - you may remember me saying that "my frustration about my situation is muted".  Thus, feeling my frustration was and is great.
• I had an explosion of feeling when riding Stage 3 of the Tour de Dicky on Monday.  Stage 3 was around the local velodrome...so I was listening to music.  A track came on that had me feel the highest of highs.  I felt like Superman, I could do anything, I had limitless confidence and optimism.  Then it stopped.
• Stage 4 of the Tour de Dicky was at Lystefield on Tuesday.  My ride couldn't have been much better.  Their was 'hero dirt' - dirt that had a LOT of traction.  No matter how hard I threw my bike in to a corner it gripped - it was phenomenal.
• Tour de Dicky = https://www.facebook.com/richard.day.3762?hc_location=timeline
• Last weekend and on Monday I wrote down my goals for this week.  I didn't all of my goals, but I've had many micro wins. Actually, the very fact that goals 'came' to me, and that doing them didn't seem 'too hard' is a win, a big win.  
• There are a number of things that I'm looking forward to. 

 end
/////////////


Now, I don't want to let you down *coughs* by not mentioning a podcast...here's one I listened to while riding around the velodrome yesterday.

http://www.npr.org/2013/02/11/171702111/an-autopsy-of-detroit-finds-resilience-in-a-struggling-city

• It is an interview of a remarkable man, a family man, a man of his community, a wonderful journalist, a natural communicator
• It tells the story of Detroit - a city that embodies many of the things that have resulted in the US's moral and economic decline, and what I hope isn't Australia's decline...   
• ...It also describes simple values, belief's and actions that can be a component of arresting a decline, and can allow society to build.

Getting even heavier...related to Australian politics.

From my listening and observation, the influence of rabid ideology and individual wealth is inreasinly apparent in US politics.  I've even heard it said that an individual or group could dictate (or arrange) the Presidential Candidate(s). Scary, very scary.***

It disturbs me that in Australia the Palmer United Party, a party formed and backed by a VERY wealthy mining magnate, holds the 'balance of power' in Australia's Senate, our Upper House.  This week they may be a part of repealing the Carbon Tax, and changing how it may come in to effect in the future.  Whatever your views on the Carbon Tax, I don't think that this is good 'governance'.  I firstly don't like this corporate influence, and I secondly don't like that policy is dictated by a few individuals.  I didn't like it in the lower house with the Gillard Govt, I didn't like it with Geoff Shaw and the Victorian Govt..and I don't like it in the current Federal Senate.  In my view, if a Party is voted into power, they should be able to implement their vision.  If, in hindsight, the masses don't like what the Govt has done, they can vote in the other mob.  NOW, if you or I don't like the view of the masses...then that's a different problem entirely...which I may address it in a future post.


*** In the US, the Koch brothers influence all links in the political chain.  They fund research at Universities, they fund think-tanks to translate research into policy, they fund 'organised' and 'grassroots' lobby & advocacy groups, they fund candidate recruitment arms...and so on.  They were a part of forming the Tea Party, and Americans for Prosperity.  Their influence impacted on the the mess that was the Govt Shutdown last year. 

http://www.npr.org/2014/05/21/314574217/how-the-koch-brothers-remade-americas-political-landscape

http://www.wnyc.org/story/koch-brothers-money-and-political-influence/

The Empire Strikes Back

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, 18 May, which would make it 6 or so weeks.

What’s been going on, you may ask?

I have a significant amount of facial hair.  Upon arriving back from the US, I became frustrated with my beard, and shaved it off.  I then missed it, and immediately started to grow it again.  I now have ~6 months growth…and yes…I am frustrated with it, but I don’t want to get ride of it.  I just measured one of the longer hairs at 65mm, that’s a lot of mm.   It requires an amount of maintenance, shampoo, conditioner and combing.  Given the amount of maintenance my hair requires, this beard business is a bit of a chore.

My car, Yuri, Yuri the Skoda Yeti (where Skoda is a Czechoslovakian brand…now owned by VW…who even have a controlling interest in Porsche) is in day-care with Skoda Richmond, having some matters tended to under warranty.  I believe that they’ll even give him a bath – he’s very fortunate isn’t he?  I was feeling guilty yesterday so I vacuumed him and cleaned his interior.  Once he’s been bathed he’ll only need a polish to look like new.

Winter has now arrived in Melbourne.  Until last week we had an “Indian Autumn spreading in to Winter” – if such a thing exists…I’d like to think it could.  I want summer back.  It’s interesting to ponder how much I’d pay for it to be summer.

The last time that I was “well” was in mid summer.  Wasn’t that a magnificent segway into my mental health!   I’ve been on a slow roller coaster since I last update you, and there have been faster roller coasters on the slow roller coaster.  I’ve just exited a roller coaster ride that started a week or so ago, that’s part of a ride that started around the time of my last post.  This longer ride relates to a 3-week 2-night per week course that I did that’s a highly applied form of mindfulness and Cognitive Therapy.   It turns out that the act of digging around in my ‘myths’ or ‘false beliefs’ or matters that give rise to shame (as I’ve mentioned in my last 2 posts) isn’t serving me – I lost many of my good habits during this time, I fell of the little platform that I’d built for myself.  My counselor advised me that Cognitive Therapy isn’t for everyone at all times, and as such is one reason for why mindfulness treatments are becoming more & more popular.  I may write more about this in the future.

I’ve mentioned before that I numb-out or lose perspective, this happens for different time scales and on different levels.  It’s happened to the point where my situation doesn’t register with me – I don’t feel anger or frustration or much of a sense of loss.  That’s seriously f****d-up.  It’s not good.

This sounds like a good time to share with you a revised list of my symptoms or “indicators”.

Indicators?  Yes, indicators.  After my aforementioned month-long dip, I decided that I needed a ‘formalised’ set of ‘wellness measures’ or ‘indicators’ to track my progress.  Provided that I remember to check them and track them over time, they’ll indicate if I’m improving or if I’ve further ‘numbed out’ or lost perspective (as I’ve earlier called it).

I haven’t yet prepared the measures, but they’ll be based on the following – which are slightly more detailed than a set of symptoms I posted earlier this year. 

Key Symptoms / Negative Indicators

1. Loss of perspective / my world becomes smaller:
1. My frustration about my situation is very, very limited
2. I don’t ‘notice’, I’m not very mindful
3. My memory is very poor, and I struggle to make connections
4. I subconsciously shut-down or self-sabotage e.g.:

                        1.    I forget my purpose & goals

                        2.    I forget my schedule/routine,

                        3.    I forget about things that I’d like to do

                        4.    I forget to contact people, or it doesn’t occur to me

2. Easily ‘overwhelmed’ e.g. I feel anxious, like things are “too much, too difficult, overwhelming”
3. Thoughts of life being too hard / too much pain / why bother living for “this”
4. Feel detached from society
5. Extremely limited desire to be social
6. The concept of work is alien / too hard
7. Lack of motivation 
8. Lack of enjoyment of usual pastimes & things that “ground me”.  I struggle to do them / they seem harder to do than they are  
9. Feel physically awful & drained / mentally awful
10. My memory is very poor, and I struggle to make connections
11. Desire to stay up late, well beyond midnight, ease of which this happens

These indicators, and my desire to track them are part of a larger plan.  I’ve previously written here about a plan.  That plan had a whole bunch of actions, and was full of things to “do”.  However, the actions weren’t directly linked to upstream goals.  The ‘what’ didn’t have a corresponding ‘why’ that drove the ‘what’.

I’ve fixed that.  Seriously fixed it. I’ve almost completed writing a ‘Business Plan’ for myself.  In the plan, my daily actions cascade down from: my Values -> Purpose -> Goals -> Enabling Goals (for wellness) -> Treatment Areas/Approaches -> to actions & daily actions.  The plan also includes measurement & reporting, challenges/risk areas, and support.  I’m working with my counsellor to firm up & prioritise the ‘Treatment Areas/Approaches’, and then the ‘actions & daily actions’.  I’m very happy with how it’s progressing.

So, while the 3-week course gave me short-term pain, it’s resulted in a powerful plan and an understanding of that too much Cognitive Therapy isn’t helpful for me at the moment.

How about some other good news?  Ok then, since my last update:

·     I’ve done several longer rides back-to-back, 3 days of 2-hour rides each day

·     I’ve done 2 rides down Beach Road

·     I’ve done my first real MTB ride in 4 months

·     There’s probably more…but I can’t remember!

Now, are you impresses that I've managed to write a blog post without linking back to a previous post?  Are you impressed that I've written a post without referring to a single Podcast.  I'm very impressed.

Time to go and pick-up Yuri from day-care.

‘Til next time, here’s a video of some delightfully happy baby goats jumping on a horse’s back.

http://m.wimp.com/goatshorse/