Fake it ‘til you make.

Fake it ‘til you make.

This is what my GP said to my on Tuesday.  Fake it ‘til you make it.  I felt uncomfortable.  What did he mean?? – part of my new way is being honest with myself and not “faking” that I’m ok.

Ah, but what was the context,? I hear you asking.  Good question! 

We were discussing my plan (see the end of this post http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/billoggie.html). 

My plan is made up of simple goals, that are measurable, achievable, etc.    My historic problem is that doing many of the activities are conceptually “too hard to do”, or the fog in my brain obscures them/I forget about them, or forget to check the list that they’re on…

Three weeks ago I committed to my counsellor that I’d go to bed before midnight and that I’d get up at a reasonable hour (my natural tendencies for ages have been to stay up til 2-3am then get up mid-to-late morning.).  Two weeks ago this became the first item of “my Plan of simple things” that I agreed with my GP.  I did pretty well.

A week ago my GP advised me to agree on a 2^nd goal with my counselor.  I saw my counselor the day after, and we agreed that this 2^nd goal was … to go for a walk or an easy bike ride just after I get up (given my love of the outdoors and the benefits of sunlight & exercise).  How did I fare? In the week between being given my goal and seeing my GP again, I didn’t manage to get up at a reasonable hour once.  Not once.  I did manage to get out on the bike twice – and that was good – but it was around midday.

Now, coming back to my GP’s comment of “fake it ‘til you make it”.  He re-iterated that doing these basic things of getting up before 9am and getting sunlight & exercise are fundamental to my recovery.  Fundamental.  However, I may have to fight to do them for weeks before I notice any improvement in energy levels or motivation and so on…and I “make it” to a better place.

What happened to me that I slumped last week?  It hit me that my plan to get better was made up of simple goals, really simple goals.  It hit me that it wasn’t easy for me to even achieve my first goal.  It really hit me that I couldn’t achieve my 2^nd goal at all…

…It was sobering & frightening that "where I'm at" is having to attempt to consistently achieve such simple & basic building blocks….and that my recovery journey begins with attempting to consistently achieving these simple & basic building blocks.  It's sobering & frightening.  I think that this second point has being playing on my subconscious – I haven't been out of bed before 11 am since Wed last week (although I have woken earlier and then gone back to sleep).

1.      I now understand that there is no "silver bullet" treatment.

2.      I now understand that I have "dysthymia” – low level depression, and bouts of more intense depression.

3.      I now understand that I have a journey ahead of me.  

Luckily I have a yellow brick road to follow.