Shame within A Day Like Today.

With thanks to Bic Runga

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7yXy6dFaXw

This post is about my day yesterday.  I mentally wrote this post half way though the day.

A day like today.

A day when I was up before my mandated time of 9am

A day when I know that recently I’ve made good progress on my journey: 

·   My journey may have started way back in 1998 – I’d finished Uni several months earlier, was working for IBM, and my sister made a comment or asked a question that went something along the lines of “what’s happened to you, you’re like a cappachino without the froth”

·   My journey isn’t about mental health per se.  My journey is about taking the time to identify (and allow myself to feel) what really resonates with me and what really nourishes me…and then having the courage to act on it.  My journey is about dealing with the mental stuff that arises:

-   based on my preconceived notions of how I “should be”

-   based on the false beliefs I hold about myself – the beliefs that give rise to shame, a lot of shame

-   navigating the armour that I use to protect me, but that does not serve me

-   learning how to be increasingly vulnerable as a catalyst for more courage, increased compassion, and deeper connection

·   In my last post, I didn’t talk directly of my own shame, but, the post was triggered by my cancelling, 1 month out, a small gathering organised by a few friends who wanted to see the pics/hear the story of my US trip. 

-   While I haven’t been at all social since January, I feel that one reason I canceled was that I didn’t want to have to have to “be with” my discomfort, “be with” my shame, “be with” that I wasn’t functioning normally within society…and I didn’t want to face this with the two males who’d be there that I didn’t know.  In females, shame is encompassed by not “doing it all perfectly, while looking perfect ”.  Male shame is encompassed by failure, by showing fear or being afraid, by being soft & weak – mentally or physically. 

-   Shame is thoughts of “I’m not _____ enough”…where the blank includes: good, smart, thin, tall, organized, young, sexy, cool, well, …and where the context may be work, parenting, health, marriage appearance, etc, etc.  We feel shame when we believe the lies that we’ve invented against ourselves – our false beliefs. 

-   Let’s look at my circumstances: I’m not working, I’m not sure when I’ll be working, I don’t precisely know what I want to do or will end up doing in the short medium term.  All the while my savings are decreasing. I’m not exercising much, I’ve lost a huge amount of fitness, I’ve put on weight.  I’m not social, not catching up with peeps or speaking much on the phone.  With peeps that I kind of know, but not well, I don’t know what to talk about. => there are plenty of false beliefs that are triggered by this, plenty of shame felt from the false beliefs.

-   The keys to ‘shame resilience’ are mindfulness, self compassion, and perhaps counter intuitively, vulnerability in our relationships with others.)  Empathy is an antidote to shame.  An excellent book is ‘Daring Greatly’, by Brene Brown – how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead.  She also has a couple of great TED talks.  She practices what she preaches and has credibility and integrity because of it.

A day when soon after being up, I worked hard to keep my sun above the horizon

A day when my whole body ached and I had to fight gravity

A day when mid-morning I went back to bed to read, so that I could feel the support of my mattress

A day when I finished reading my book at ~1pm, so was out of bed, but didn’t feel like doing anything.

·    I didn’t feel like reading a novel

·    I didn’t feel like watching a movie or TV series (despite having ample awesome stuff on DVD)

·    I wasn’t going to mindlessly watch TV as an escape mechanism

·    I didn’t feel like exercise

·    I didn’t feel social (I’m not social, haven’t been for months)

A day when I went out to my balcony to lie on my camp chair, and could still feel myself fighting gravity

A day when I used a couple of my “what to do when I’m not feeling well” techniques, while fighting gravity on my camp chair

A day when I dropped in to a meditation on my camp chair (not easy when by midday I’d already had two cans of V to give myself something that resembles motivation & drive)

A day when I found something that spurred me do a small maintenance task to my road bike

A day when, after deciding on a short’ish podcast to listen to while riding around the velodrome (I’ve been doing this 3-4 times per week recently) I decided to head out for short ride

A day when the sun came out as I headed out

A day when I cruised around the velodrome listening to a podcast about the American Civil War (which was only ~160 years ago, a war that for the North had a core tenant of disagreement with slavery and the treatment of black people). 

A day when I went on to listen to a podcast about the Klu Klux Klan while still riding around the Velodrome. 

A day when I learnt that the KKK was founded immediately after the Civil War, as a means to give a sense of hope & belonging to the returned soldiers who fought for the South in the Civil War.

A day when I noted that slavery was only abolished in the US ~160  years ago, and when the Civil Rights movement only took place ~60 years ago.

*A day that I was reminded that individually, humans are almost universally wonderful, but that collectively we can too easily become abominable

**A day when I wondered, after noting that the dates mentioned above re the Civil War being in the ~1860’s, and the Civil Rights movement having success in the 1960’s…will there be another social revolution in or around the 2060’s?

A day when after riding around for the velodrome for over an hour listening to the two podcasts, sometimes having to call on my “wellness techniques” to keep me going, I decided to put on some music and keep circulating.

A day when I decided to keep going song by song, partly because I wanted to keep going, partly because I felt like I could keep going, partly because I didn’t want to be doing anything else (per above), partly because I didn’t want to go back to “fighting gravity”

A day when I took energy from the primitive beat of the drums in the music, a drum beat that resonated with my inner caveman.

A day when I rode around the velodrome for a couple of hours (and no, don’t know how many laps, and no, I didn’t end up dizzy. *smiles*)

Expanding on the stars above (out of order).

**A day when I wondered, after noting that the dates mentioned above re the Civil War being in the ~1860’s, and the Civil Rights movement having success in the 1960’s…will there be another social revolution in or around the 2060’s?

·    I may write about this in the future.  It may feature short-term ism as it relates to individuals, companies, the media, politics.  It may ask: after tens of millions of years of very little change and very slow evolution, then the relatively incredible ever-increasing change since the agricultural revolution (and perhaps a few centuries earlier??)…do we humans have the toolkit we need to thrive in the ever changing world?

*A day that I was reminded that individually, humans are almost universally wonderful, but that collectively we can too easily become abominable

·   This section loops back on itself, so if you choose to read it, I ask that you read to the end.  I raise some points about Australian society & culture that may make you uncomfortable, and may directly challenge you, BUT it directly relates to my journey

·   Our “me first, entitlement, I know better, I’m better than you” attitudes lead to political regimes and/or conflicts such as those in

-   North Korea

-   Zimbabwe… and numerous other African countries…here are just 5 http://www.forbes.com/sites/mfonobongnsehe/2012/02/09/the-five-worst-leaders-in-africa/

-   Russia. Yes Russia, still… one of the imprisoned Pussy Riot members was in a forced labour camp working 7 days a week and only allowed to shower once a week…, and where the sick are left to die on the workroom floor… http://www.npr.org/2014/01/08/260746432/the-pussy-riot-arrests-and-the-crackdown-that-followed

-   the troubles between Israel & Palestine, and England & Northern Island

·   Our ‘hardwired’ need for love & belonging can lead us astray

-   e.g. the Nazi Party…that had massive public support after Germany suffered terrible sanctions following the end of WW1

-   e.g. the afore mentioned KKK

·   Australian’s, don’t think I’m letting us off.  In Australia there is a massive public outcry regarding our successive Govt’s attitude to, and then treatment of Asylum Seekers.  Our public outcry can only mean that we deeply feel for people who are.  However, I see no public outcry for our Govt’s to look after, let alone to address the root causes of issues that:

-  cause social dislocation

-  cause homelessness

-  cause addition

-  cause domestic violence (yes I know about the Royal commision),

Do we not really care about those who are socially dislocated, those who fall to the fringes of society?  Do we not really care about domestic violence?  Do we not really care about the effects of addiction?

Regarding the two troubled males who recently killed a son and and ex partner here in Vic, these two events are terrible and tragic.  Yet, I’ve heard that the man that killed his son was mostly homeless, and had mental health issues.  In not strongly voicing our opinions that we want the causes of these issues addressed, as society we are implicitly saying to our Govt’s that we don’t care (or don’t care enough). 

Now, here’s something for you to ponder.  If our parents swore in front of us, we’d naturally think that swearing is acceptable.  Likewise, if we swear in front of our impressionable kids who are looking to us to guide them, they’ll think its acceptable.  Taking this concept of ‘leading by example’ one step further.  If our Govt’s see that we don’t really care (or care enough) for our own, for those who are suffer … for those who are homeless … for those who are on the on the fringes of society or those who have fallen “off the grid”, then Govt’s wont care (or really care either) – after all, Govt’s are only a microcosm of our community and society.

Taking this one step further again. Given that we’ve implicitly (via our silence) told our Govt’s that we don’t really care about our own…that we don’t even care about our own citizens that are marginalised and distressed, when groups of society complain about our Govt’s treatments of Asylum seekers (the marginalised and distressed from other countries) – I imagine that Govt’s say to themselves – whether consciously or subconsciously “what a bunch of hypocrites, it doesn’t really matter to them”.  It’s what I think.  I’m disgusted that we treat our distressed and our marginalised the way we do.  Given my journey, I can easily, easily imagine how I could end up marginalized and invisible; I can imagine that shame and pride could take me off the grid.  Fortunately my circumstances meant that I won’t fall off the grid (to the extent that anyone can make a claim like this).  I have strong support from family & friends (to the extent that I let you in), resilience, hope, strength, a strong work ethic, and significant savings. 

With thanks to Bic Runga

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7yXy6dFaXw