BillOggie

Based on my first post this year, you probably want some cake.  http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/mud-cake.html

Alas I have no cake for you *sad face*.

I do, however, have an update for you.  In my most recent post, http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/your-midnight-news-service-current.html, I was coming off my previous meds following an appointment with my Psychiatrist.  I felt much better for it, physically and mentally.  Based on this, and a few other things…he will no longer be receiving any cake.  Also, the for various reasons, GP that referred me to him will no longer be receiving any cake.

I feel let down by the Western medical system.  How can it be that for very serious condition in Depression - that has significant impacts on the individual (and on society & the economy) …and possibly disastrous impacts – that it’s acceptable for the relevant medical practitioners to only send each other a letter when something material happens, or when protocol dictates.  Why are they not working as a team?   Why are they not being proactive?  How can the “system” be designed this way?  How can the system allow this?

My new GP is aware of the expectations I have of him, and my first session was great.  My counsellor found him for me, and I’m confident that they’ll work together for my benefit.  I’m not sure what type of cakes he likes, or my counsellor likes.

How am I?

I’m mostly at the level I was in this afore mentioned post a few weeks ago: http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/03/your-midnight-news-service-current.html.

Here’s the menu of symptoms (note that all of these are available as main courses).  The extent to which I have these changes over time:

• Loss of perspective / my world becomes smaller / it doesn’t occur to me to do things that would help me
• My memory is poor, and I struggle to make connections
• My frustration about my situation is muted
• I lack of motivation
• I lack enjoyment in my usual pastimes & things that “ground me”… or … I struggle to do them / they seem harder to do than they are
• I have thoughts of life being too hard / too much pain / why bother living for “this”
• I feel detached from “society”
• I feel physically / mentally awful
• Tendency to stay up late – if I’m feeling particularly bad, I tend to feel better as the day goes by
• I have limited desire to socialise.  
• I withdraw.  I'm unresponsive.

What’s newsworthy? 

-- I haven’t ridden since my last post, I haven’t felt like it, or I haven’t been up early enough to do a group ride.  On the plus side, the concept of going for a ride is no longer a concept that’s “too difficult”. 

-- I tinkered with a bike a few weekends ago, haven’t done that since early-mid Jan….I decided to put gears on my single-speed MTB (On-One Inbred)  It’s now a 1x9 for those interested in such things.  It’s the first bike that I built from the fame up – choosing all of the components and building it myself.  I’ve had it since x-mas 2006 - I love that bike.  You’d probably like a photo of it…but I can’t give you one…so you can have an IOU for some cake instead…how about some almond cake??

-- Weekends have tended to suck.  This past weekend sucked.  Today somewhat sucks too.  I'd like my f**king subconscious to tell me why.  I’d like a new brain, and a new back, and Cadel’s fitness & hardness.  Please.  I’ll trade for cake *smiles*.

-- I’ve gotten further into the remote control car hobby – I like the technical side.  It’s also an outlet for my irreverent humour – watch this space.

-- I’m putting together a “plan”.  Early this year I hoped that the increase doses of medication the Psychiatrist prescribed would lift me to a level where I had sufficient mental clarity and motivation to get myself moving.  That didn’t happen, so I’ve taken ownership in my still foggy and de-motivated state. 

• I realise that there is no “silver bullet”, and so to get on top of this episode of depression, then stay on top of it in the future, I’m choosing to do a broad range of things, and to “be” with this plan in a kind, accepting, non-judgmental but disciplined way
• My plan covers things such as: focus, attitude (as immediately above), reading, medical treatment, counselling, exercise, diet, meditation, volunteering and giving, writing, being purposeful, and receiving support.  Alas, cake is not part of my plan.
• I’m not going to set myself up for failure, so the plan will be rolled out over time.

  

That’s it for now.

Your Midnight News Service & Current Affairs Program

The News:

Following on from my most recent two blog posts...

.... most recent:  http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/mud-cake.html

.... 2nd most recent:  http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/general-update.html

I'm coming off my existing meds with a view to changing to a different class of anti-depressant.  I'm fining it easy to come off the meds, I'm down to 30mg/day from a high of 80mg/day.  

Though I'm feeling different levels of "spaceyness" at times (due to withdrawal) particularly at night, I've noticed numerous improvements since in my state since Thurs/Fri of last week 

-- I've noticed a significant improvement in how I'm feeling physically.  It's as if the higher dosages were acting like poison.  

-- My sleeping patterns are more normal – I'm now asleep round midnight (vs 2-3 am).  I'm still sleeping a lot though.

-- I'm "feeling" now too - I felt deep anger on Sunday, and, I've felt natural elation since then then.

-- I'm feeling mentally lighter, I have a sense of clarity

-- I had the thought to head out on the MTB around the local area on Tuesday night – and I did it…that's the first time in weeks I've ridden by myself, and first time in ....ages since I've ridden on a whim.  It was an interesting ride given my "spacey" feeling (I was very careful though)

-- I've also had the natural inclination to do start reading again, and to meditate again.

-- I’m being kind to myself

While I have a long way to go yet, the things above have been nice to observe and to sit in.  It's been enjoyable to relax at home and “soak” in my different state.

The Current Affairs:

Bravery.  Following on from my recent blog post, last week a friend gave me some words of support to “keep being yourself and be brave.”  About 7 years ago a wonderful woman told me to “keep being brave”.  Forgive me if I ramble a little here, but I’m trying to rationalize “me” and “brave”. 

Bravery has been defined as “ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage”.

I didn’t think of myself as brave when it previously mentioned  ~7 years ago.  I don’t feel brave now, but I now understand the context given my state and my journey

A year or so ago I was talking through an issue with a friend.  She observed the following about me … the things I do to stop myself from feeling alone and disconnected and sad and heavy etc (e.g. pretend, be strong) result in me feeling alone and disconnected and sad and heavy etc. 

So, I would have to have been very subconsciously “brave” to continue living life like that.  It  would have resulted in me being in more and more mentally bad places in an increasingly hopeless manner.  That’s a lot different from being “brave” now. 

Now I’m following the only course that is open to me.  With the increased understanding that I have of myself, I’m consciously attempting to live my life in a way that is aligns with my values, purposes, preferences and true desires (though my understanding of them continues to evolve).

Also after my most recent blog post, another friend commented about me being a “non-conformist, a rebel”.  Looking from the outside in it may appear that way, but in a similar manner to what I explained above with the “bravery” thing … looking from inside my world, I’m conforming to my natural state.  Viewed that way it’s liberating, and it’s exciting. 

One of the things I took from Lance Armstrong’s first book was that people with cancer consider themselves “the lucky ones”.  I know what that means.

Mud Cake (edited 3rd march)

Mud Cake?  

Mmmm, tasty.  

Heavy, not light. Not like souffle.

So what is heavy?

The truth is heavy.

What is the truth?

After my most recent blog post http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/general-update.html, two peeps thanked me for my honesty.  At the time I thought to myself that... all I have is the truth. When speaking with my counselor yesterday I expanded on the truth.

The truth is that I longer live in pretense.  I longer pretend to myself and pretend to others.

The truth is accepting my current state and my health.  I accept the life I have now vs trying to escape it, or rejecting it, or pretending that things are different.  I accept my limitations, my thoughts and my feelings.  I seek to live in the moment and accept that moment, whether I feel happy or content or elated or flat or lost or physically awful or mentally awful. 

I accept my current situation as a baseline for how I'd like to be and what I'd like to do when I'm "better" 

The truth is accepting how I want to be and what I want to do in the future. I don't yet know all of this, or I'm not in touch with it, or I'm not allowing myself to get in touch with it.
 
The truth is that I no longer relate to or hide behind my traditional identities of being a "something", or doing "something" to earn money.   I'm no longer a "cyclist" or a "insert buzz wordy corporate title here". 

I no longer want to allow myself to detrimentally be shaped by, live up to & conform with these things. 
 
[edited 3rd March in italics]
The truth is that I want to live my life by my values, and not by my perception of the values imposed on me by society or by an employer (or whatever I do to earn money).  The truth is that I choose to not have to be & do what society finds normal or comfortable, or more accurately - my perception of what society finds normal or comfortable



The truth.

General update

Hi,

It's been a while.  I'm not quire sure of where to start. 

In my last week in the US I decided that I wanted to come back in 2014. My plan was to settle back into life in Aus, then in mid Jan start thinking about earning some $$ so I could return the US without using too much of my savings.  That plan has exploded.  I slumped a little mentally around Christmas, then again around NYE, then in a big way in mid-late January...so I'm in survival model and not "thrival" mode.  A frustrating thing is that I'm not really frustrated about this - I'm just not in touch with it...I don't feel much.

One of the things I most enjoyed doing upon my return was working on and washing & detailing my bikes - I did 3.5.  How much did I enjoy this....let's just say that I was frustrated that it only occurred to me after I finished that dental floss would be really useful in cleaning some of the areas of the frame and drivetrain that are hard to reach.  I even started doing some planning about starting an "ultra premium" bike detailing business targeting the guys who have road bikes that cost $8k+

That was lost or is stuck in the fog and the quagmire of depression. I may have mentioned in an earlier post some of the effects of depression...and how it can be insidious, pervasive and all encompassing.  

What I find is that my world gets smaller, I lose perspective:

• the options available to me shrink

• it simply doesn't occur to me to do things that I'd normal enjoy and would be beneficial e.g read / listen to a podcast, chat to a particular person, head out and connect with nature, listen to music, work on a business idea, etc, etc.

• my brain doesn't make the connections it normally would

• I forget things

A symptom I've dealt with in the past is that doing "stuff" is conceptually difficult - the likes of getting out of the house, going for a ride, tacking a problem, being social - can seem very difficult.  Since mid-late Jan things have become more difficult - I've deferred petty much every social plan I had and deferred catch-up's.  I've recognied that things are getting more difficult though - that's a good thing.

A great thing is that I didn't pursue a job opportunity that I recognised had a poor cultural fit, wouldn't be good for me, would pull me away from going back to the US and have me in internal turmoil (whether I recognised it or not) - it was a key role in a small start-up company that has a lot of long-term potential.  It's interesting that I was able to mount a convincing case to both take and to not take the role..but it didn't feel right.  In the past it's likely that I'd have taken the role out of fear.

I've had a few outstanding rides, one in particular down at Lysterfield.  The capabilities of my beast of a new MTB had me ride a short, technical section of trail that I haven't regularly ridden for years - it was built for the 2006 Commonwealth Games and I don't think it's had any maintenance since ... it's a narrow twisty trail of baby-head rocks now.  I used to comfortable ride in on a bike with no rear suspension, but for the past ~4 years I haven't been comfortable riding it, or I stall/baulk then abandon.  Anyway, a few weeks ago I was riding up to it and decided to do it...and it was ok.  That's not the magic though, I rode past a rock face up from which hot air was rising, the smell was intoxicating.  

 After the trickiest section, the trail is thru the rocks towards the bottom left of the pic

 

 the section above continues into this

"this" from above, taken from a few meters back

 

then after the short steep descent, one begins a short steep climb.  

the rock face drops down on the right of the picture. 

the fragrance, oh the fragrance!

   
That reminds me of ride I did at the You Yang's just after this - it was also a hot day - I stopped in the small pine forest for a while and absorbed the heat and the sweet fragrance.  Wonderful.

It was great to do some road rides with friends down Beach Rd, feeling the freedom that riding on the road gives...and the rush of speed...particularly when there's a tailwind and each rider takes turns at the front to keep the speed high.  There's something about riding in a pack that's well organised.

One of the recent MTB rides was with a couple along the "Yarra Trails".  It's a ~30km return ride along the Yarra River.  Sections of singletrack branch off the main cycling/walking trail.  I hadn't ridden it for years because I'd ridden it so often I could almost ride it blind!...and the soil in some areas is clay...which is very easily eaten by the idiotic riders who insist on riding there when it's too wet.  A few years ago ruts 1 foot deep developed over winter....  It's a great ride, mostly flat, with some beautiful sections alongside the river, past Petty's Apple Orchard near my turn-around point.  What can ususally be found in the apple orchard.  Kangaroo's, this time a kangaroo with a joey in her pouch.

So what next?  I'm thinking of doing some volunteering as a "low expectation" was of getting back into work.  Thinking as I type..the company / institution / charity / other will fit my values, interests, and desired culture.  I've been turning my mind to it this week, or my mind has allowed me to think of volunteering.

I don't feel like riding.

You may be asking "what is Finnegan up to?"  He's still buried in chocolate following on from his Christmas exploits: http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/a-very-finnegan-christmas.html