Mud Cake (edited 3rd march)

Mud Cake?  

Mmmm, tasty.  

Heavy, not light. Not like souffle.

So what is heavy?

The truth is heavy.

What is the truth?

After my most recent blog post http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/general-update.html, two peeps thanked me for my honesty.  At the time I thought to myself that... all I have is the truth. When speaking with my counselor yesterday I expanded on the truth.

The truth is that I longer live in pretense.  I longer pretend to myself and pretend to others.

The truth is accepting my current state and my health.  I accept the life I have now vs trying to escape it, or rejecting it, or pretending that things are different.  I accept my limitations, my thoughts and my feelings.  I seek to live in the moment and accept that moment, whether I feel happy or content or elated or flat or lost or physically awful or mentally awful. 

I accept my current situation as a baseline for how I'd like to be and what I'd like to do when I'm "better" 

The truth is accepting how I want to be and what I want to do in the future. I don't yet know all of this, or I'm not in touch with it, or I'm not allowing myself to get in touch with it.
 
The truth is that I no longer relate to or hide behind my traditional identities of being a "something", or doing "something" to earn money.   I'm no longer a "cyclist" or a "insert buzz wordy corporate title here". 

I no longer want to allow myself to detrimentally be shaped by, live up to & conform with these things. 
 
[edited 3rd March in italics]
The truth is that I want to live my life by my values, and not by my perception of the values imposed on me by society or by an employer (or whatever I do to earn money).  The truth is that I choose to not have to be & do what society finds normal or comfortable, or more accurately - my perception of what society finds normal or comfortable



The truth.

General update

Hi,

It's been a while.  I'm not quire sure of where to start. 

In my last week in the US I decided that I wanted to come back in 2014. My plan was to settle back into life in Aus, then in mid Jan start thinking about earning some $$ so I could return the US without using too much of my savings.  That plan has exploded.  I slumped a little mentally around Christmas, then again around NYE, then in a big way in mid-late January...so I'm in survival model and not "thrival" mode.  A frustrating thing is that I'm not really frustrated about this - I'm just not in touch with it...I don't feel much.

One of the things I most enjoyed doing upon my return was working on and washing & detailing my bikes - I did 3.5.  How much did I enjoy this....let's just say that I was frustrated that it only occurred to me after I finished that dental floss would be really useful in cleaning some of the areas of the frame and drivetrain that are hard to reach.  I even started doing some planning about starting an "ultra premium" bike detailing business targeting the guys who have road bikes that cost $8k+

That was lost or is stuck in the fog and the quagmire of depression. I may have mentioned in an earlier post some of the effects of depression...and how it can be insidious, pervasive and all encompassing.  

What I find is that my world gets smaller, I lose perspective:

• the options available to me shrink

• it simply doesn't occur to me to do things that I'd normal enjoy and would be beneficial e.g read / listen to a podcast, chat to a particular person, head out and connect with nature, listen to music, work on a business idea, etc, etc.

• my brain doesn't make the connections it normally would

• I forget things

A symptom I've dealt with in the past is that doing "stuff" is conceptually difficult - the likes of getting out of the house, going for a ride, tacking a problem, being social - can seem very difficult.  Since mid-late Jan things have become more difficult - I've deferred petty much every social plan I had and deferred catch-up's.  I've recognied that things are getting more difficult though - that's a good thing.

A great thing is that I didn't pursue a job opportunity that I recognised had a poor cultural fit, wouldn't be good for me, would pull me away from going back to the US and have me in internal turmoil (whether I recognised it or not) - it was a key role in a small start-up company that has a lot of long-term potential.  It's interesting that I was able to mount a convincing case to both take and to not take the role..but it didn't feel right.  In the past it's likely that I'd have taken the role out of fear.

I've had a few outstanding rides, one in particular down at Lysterfield.  The capabilities of my beast of a new MTB had me ride a short, technical section of trail that I haven't regularly ridden for years - it was built for the 2006 Commonwealth Games and I don't think it's had any maintenance since ... it's a narrow twisty trail of baby-head rocks now.  I used to comfortable ride in on a bike with no rear suspension, but for the past ~4 years I haven't been comfortable riding it, or I stall/baulk then abandon.  Anyway, a few weeks ago I was riding up to it and decided to do it...and it was ok.  That's not the magic though, I rode past a rock face up from which hot air was rising, the smell was intoxicating.  

 After the trickiest section, the trail is thru the rocks towards the bottom left of the pic

 

 the section above continues into this

"this" from above, taken from a few meters back

 

then after the short steep descent, one begins a short steep climb.  

the rock face drops down on the right of the picture. 

the fragrance, oh the fragrance!

   
That reminds me of ride I did at the You Yang's just after this - it was also a hot day - I stopped in the small pine forest for a while and absorbed the heat and the sweet fragrance.  Wonderful.

It was great to do some road rides with friends down Beach Rd, feeling the freedom that riding on the road gives...and the rush of speed...particularly when there's a tailwind and each rider takes turns at the front to keep the speed high.  There's something about riding in a pack that's well organised.

One of the recent MTB rides was with a couple along the "Yarra Trails".  It's a ~30km return ride along the Yarra River.  Sections of singletrack branch off the main cycling/walking trail.  I hadn't ridden it for years because I'd ridden it so often I could almost ride it blind!...and the soil in some areas is clay...which is very easily eaten by the idiotic riders who insist on riding there when it's too wet.  A few years ago ruts 1 foot deep developed over winter....  It's a great ride, mostly flat, with some beautiful sections alongside the river, past Petty's Apple Orchard near my turn-around point.  What can ususally be found in the apple orchard.  Kangaroo's, this time a kangaroo with a joey in her pouch.

So what next?  I'm thinking of doing some volunteering as a "low expectation" was of getting back into work.  Thinking as I type..the company / institution / charity / other will fit my values, interests, and desired culture.  I've been turning my mind to it this week, or my mind has allowed me to think of volunteering.

I don't feel like riding.

You may be asking "what is Finnegan up to?"  He's still buried in chocolate following on from his Christmas exploits: http://daisyalpha.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/a-very-finnegan-christmas.html

A Very Finnegan Christmas

Hi, I'm Finnegan

This blog is about me, and I'm very disappointed that I haven't been allowed to post until now. 

Richard will tell you that I'm lazy and that I never venture from my sleeping bag.  The truth is that he ties the top of my sleeping bag so that I can't get out.

However, I managed to escape, and here's what I got up to on Christmas day.

I hung out in the Christmas tree with Felicity.  I love the pretty lights

I admired, and then played in the gingerbread...I like to get up close and personal

I chowed down on big meal.  Unfortunatley I was too full and had to lie down, groaning and moaning. Then that damn pestiferous Felicity (who follows me everywhere like I'm a demigod) jumped on my chest and wouldn't get off...that didn't go down well.

I went chocolate diving...woo-hoo that was FUN.  I played in the bowl of chocolates for ages.  Of course I indulged!

Just when I was finishing a rather tasty "Crunchie Bar" and licking any remaining crumbs of the wrapper I was photo bombed by one the natives...a female Siamese cat who goes by the name of "Cricket", though Richard calls her "Duckie".  I'd like to play with her, but she always runs away when I come close...I mean, it's not as if I race up to her waving my arms, screaming "nice pussy cat...Finnegan play with the nice pussy cat", in my slightly strange frog voice

I even had the chance to observe the process of brandy being poured on to the pudding, then lit.  That was fun!

See below for pics of the fun I had!

I do so love gingerbread. It's not my fault that I ended up face first in it, inhaling its gingery goodness - I just can't help it.

Before chowing down, I scoped out the cranberry sauce...seemed a bit weird to me.

So, so full.  Do you see what I mean about that pestiferous little frog Felicity sitting on my chest when I was so full??

CHOCOLATE DIVING.  YEAH.

Chocolate bowl immersion.  So, so good!!

mmmm, a "Chrunchie Bar" - chocolate surrounding a honeycomb core.

Photo-bombed by the native.

Just when I was finishing a rather tasty "Crunchie Bar" and licking any remaining crumbs of the wrapper I was photo bombed by one the natives...a female Siamese cat who goes by the name of "Cricket", though Richard calls her "Duckie".  I'd like to play with her, but she always runs away when I come close...I mean, it's not as if I race up to her waving my arms, screaming "nice pussy cat...Finnegan play with the nice pussy cat", in my slightly strange frog voice...

Observing the process of "brandying" the pudding.  The brandy was lit and, but it doesn't come out in these photo's

Here's Felicity admiring the home-made shortbread.

That's all folks!  I've now broken free from the shackles of my evil oppressor, Richard...and I hope to post some more blog entries soon.

Gingerbread: Phase 1 - mix and bake

See below for my somewhat not-detailed description and recipe for how to make gingerbread the Dicky Day way.  *Coughs*

Step one, obtain a large amount of flour…and put it into a BIG bowl.  make swirl pattern on top of the flour.   Looks good, doesn't it!

Step two.  We need "sticky stuff".  Put a reasonable amount of the "sticky stuff ingredients" in to a saucepan. Put saucepan on stove.

Light the stove, and melt the "sticky stuff" - stirring is required here.

Add the sticky stuff to the BIG bowl of flour.   Mix it in.

Then, add the eggs and lemon juice to the bowl…but don't do it while the sticky stuff is too hot/not mixed or you'll cook the eggs!

Also, don't put your hands in to mix the sticky stuff..or you'll burn your hands.  Use a spoon.

Now, pour in the eggs, and knead/mix with your hands.  You're advised to wear gloves….or it'll get messy, and you'll spend 30 mins cleaning your hands.

One the mixture is consistent and "one", drop it on the bench with a little flour, and knead it more.  More.  More, til it's really "one".  

Voila!

Now, wrap that bad boy in plastic cling film, and put it in the fridge.

Let it cool.

Remove from fridge.

Roll it flat, to a depth of ~0.75cm. (0.25").

Choose the shapes that you want to want e.g. NINJABREAD




Cut our your shapes, maximising the use of rolled gingerbread.  Why maximise the use…because you'll have gingerbread left over, which you'll need to knead and then roll flat.  Rinse and repeat until you have no gingerbread left.

You use the same procedure to make your house.

Now, if you're like me and you leave the procedure while those lumps are cooling in the fridge at 21:30 pm, later on you receive photo from your sister, who has done the
- shape choosing
- rolling
- cutting
- more rolling
- more cutting, etc
- then she's baked them in the oven

and out comes tasty gingerbread ready to be decorated.  NICE.

Decoration is phase 2 of the process.  Stay tuned for decoration - it's where the good stuff happens…